1. What do you do all day? (Unless you want the answer to be “plot your untimely death.”)
2. Is he/she sleeping through the night? (I had several people ask me this of my exclusively breastfed days-old baby.)
3. You hold him/her too much. You will spoil him/her. (I’ll spare you my Attachment Parenting rant, nor will I share the myriad evidence that suggests it’s basically impossible to spoil a young infant with appropriate attention and love, and just say this: He is my LAST baby. If I want to hold him 24 hours a day, I will. And I will not regret a moment.)
4. He/she is just using you as a pacifier. (To pacify means to bring peace, so yes, I am bringing peace to my baby. Would it be preferable if he were chewing on a piece of rubber?)
5. Was this one planned? (a. NONE of your damn business. b. Regardless, he/she is already HERE. Do you really want to even go there?)
6. How nice that you have a boy/girl since your other child/children is/are a boy(s)/girl(s). (Yes, we were totally thinking of sending our third back if it were the “wrong” gender.)
7. Anything related to discipline. (No one wants your advice. Trust me.)
8. You look tired. Because clearly the only appropriate answer to this gem is, “Thanks for noticing. So, you will be coming over every afternoon for about two hours to entertain my older children while I nap with the baby? Great. When do you start?”
