As promised, I’m continuing my series of parenting book raves on the fourth Monday of every month. (Click here to see April’s.) Over the last few weeks I re-read The Successful Child: What Parents Can Do to Help Kids Turn Out Well by William and Martha Sears (with Elizabeth Pantley). It’s 265 pages spread out over 16 chapters, so a lot to digest for a blog post, but I’ll try.
Every parent wishes for his/her children to grow into successful adults. But what does that look like? The authors consider: What really matters? What does it mean to “give your children the tools to succeed in life” (p. 1)? (Interestingly, Sears uses this exact same wording to define discipline.) They begin by defining “success” and outlining qualities of successful people as well as tools for success. The first half of the book discusses building these tools; the second half details specific ways of nurturing them to develop the qualities you wish to see.
Following is a brief glimpse at what I garnered from this book to be 5 key components of a successful life. As before, I paraphrased quite a bit, and I also included a few of my favorite quotes from the text along the way.
Success is . . .
. . . maintaining secure, healthy relationships.
Not surprisingly, a primary focus of this book is on developing interdependence, and the themes throughout return again and again to attachment parenting and raising children who are connected . . . to their parents, to each other, to the world. They devote an entire chapter (one this Momma of Three read with great interest) to sibling relationships (“boot camp” for getting along with others). They advocate encouraging siblings to cooperate in various roles, including protector, helper, teacher, comforter, and co-worker.
“The relationship you have with your child is the foundation on which all of his other relationships will be built.”
(from chapter 2, Raising Connected Kids, page 9)
“Your elder children will one day model their parenting on the way they saw you care for their siblings.”
(from chapter 5, Planting Healthy Sibling Relationships, page 83)
. . . communicating effectively with others.
The way parents communicate with their children matters from the very beginning . . . both how they speak to/with them (demonstrate respect to get respect) and how they speak about them (frame your child positively). The Golden Rule of Communicating: Speak to your children the way you would like to hear them speak to others.
“What messages do you reflect to your child? Are they predominantly positive or negative?”
(from chapter 12, Eleven Ways to Boost Your Child’s Self-Confidence, page 211)
“The fine points of politeness are best learned from parental example—not parental lectures.”
(from chapter 9, Teaching Children Communication Skills, page 157)
. . . accepting responsibility for one’s actions.
Responsibility means not only being accountable for your own actions, but also learning to do the right thing because it is the right thing not because of fear of an outside force. They feel strongly that one way to encourage this is to give children chores (without monetary compensation), as this instills in children the importance of contributing to the family unit and their environment.
“Parents should not take all the credit or all the blame for the person their child becomes.”
(from chapter 1, What’s Success?, page 4)
“The ultimate goal of all the effort we put into parenting is to enable our children to live without us.”
(from chapter 10, Raising a Responsible Child, page 171)
. . . making intelligent, moral choices.
Learning to make wise choices greatly influences one’s overall character. A concept the authors use here, which they also discuss in The Discipline Book, is the idea of selectively ignoring “smallies” so you can concentrate on “biggies.” The more practice children have in making small, everyday decisions, even poor ones (e.g., refusing to wear a jacket on a cold day) the more likely they will grow in their ability to make increasingly important decisions. Respect your child’s choices from the very beginning; even infants can can show preferences.
Another concept that I love is teaching kids age-appropriate ways to “think through what they’re about to do” . . . learning to think first and act second. At the toddler/preschooler level this may be more “conditioning” them to act a certain way, as complex moral judgments are beyond that developmental level. Older children and teens will benefit from viewing parental moral thinking in action (e.g., when given too much change at the register, do you speak up? or pocket it?) as well as learning techniques to problem solve (e.g., writing out the pros and cons of a major decision).
“No matter how consistent and effective a parent you think you are, your child is separate from you. In the end, he will make his own decisions.”
(from chapter 8, The Ability to Make Wise Choices, page 148)
“Doing what is right because it is right is the hallmark of a moral person.”
(from chapter 11, Raising a Moral Child, page 188)
. . . becoming a kind and compassionate person.
Another overall theme throughout the book is teaching children empathy . . . which they have referred to as “getting behind another’s eyes” . . . and they believe this begins at birth. Children can only learn kindness and manners (politeness and respect) if this is what they witness at home. How do your children see you treating your spouse, your neighbors, your pets? Do you primarily show compassion, giving others the benefit of the doubt? Do you explain the “why” behind good manners, or simply demand the right words (please, thank you, I’m sorry) be said?
“Children who are on the receiving end of sensitive parenting become sensitive themselves.”
(from chapter 7, The Compassionate Child, page 117)
“Manners are a skill to be enjoyed, not forced.”
(from chapter 14, Kindness and Manners, page 239)
Note: I will not be posting a new book rave on the last Monday in June because I’ll be on vacation (our first cruise!). Next up (25 July): What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen.
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