5 Things I Love About . . . (4)

After a break in August due to traveling, my monthly fourth Monday book rave is back. And yes; I know it's . . . um . . . Tuesday. Oops.

This month's read is Attached at the Heart: 8 Proven Parenting Principles for Raising Connected and Compassionate Children by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker. It was published in 2009, so not yet out when I had E and J, but I read it during my pregnancy with A. (In fact, it was one of two books I took to the hospital with me. The other, if you're curious, was The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.)

Nicholson and Parker founded Attachment Parenting International. The book includes a Foreword by  Dr. William and Martha Sears, who coined the term attachment parenting, and famously outlined the 7 Baby B's.

Rather than attempt to outline each of the eight attachment parenting principles, I will simply offer a snapshot of what the five areas of AP philosophy most relevant to us right now look like in our family. 

That's one happy, well-fed baby

1. Feed With Love and Respect

For us this meant breastfeeding our babies on cue rather than a schedule. As they grew, I continued to nurse them until they outgrew the need. (I previously considered "extended" breastfeeding—I giggle at that term now—one of the many things I was never going to do.) I've also shared our adventures with Agent A and baby-led solids, although this is not something we did with the girls. For all of our children, however, we respect that they know best when they are hungry and when they are full. That's not to say I never say no to a request; the Senior Agents have been known to ask for snacks literally as I am spooning dinner on their plates. However, we avoid arbitrary rules about trying foods, finishing foods, and eating only what they are served. Some dinners one or both of the girls will only eat carrots, and who cares? I never force them to eat something they don't want to eat. The last thing I want to do is set up a negative association with food and eating habits.

"The distance from a baby's eyes to his mother's eyes while feeding is about eleven inches, the perfect focal length for newborn vision. Nature provides this perfect visual field for baby to study his parents' faces, allowing baby to fall in love with his parents through sight, taste, touch, smell, and sound." (p. 78)

2. Respond With Sensitivity

 With our infants this meant answering them without fear of spoiling, and respecting their need for closeness, especially with Momma. Agent E in particular seemed to really protest separation, and we respected that. (I definitely see an entire post, or several, on the issue of "separating" coming up soon.) As they get older, I try to respond how I would want someone to respond to me. This isn't always easy in the heat of the insanity that is our lives these days, but it's always the goal. I believe that this initial sensitivity we showed them helped them to develop compassion and empathy for their siblings and others as well. Just watching how the Senior Agents treat Agent A is enough to make me melt into a puddle. 

"It is impossible to spoil a baby when satisfying his need to be held. When you listen to your baby, you will find he is most content and happy when being held close to you—this is because he is experiencing life as a part of you, not a separate being. Who doesn't want a happy, contented baby? Soon enough, your baby will be squirming in your arms to be put down." (p. 99)

3. Ensure Safe Sleep (Physically and Emotionally)

My husband and our three children all sleep in the same room. While their night time habits have changed as they have grown, we are still there for them when they need us. Parenting does not end at a certain time each day. We have never felt the need to push them into "independent sleep" (don't even get me started on that one). Agent A nurses once or twice a night. Agent E has just started remembering her dreams very vividly and developed a new uneasiness with the dark. Agent J is probably our best sleeper right now. We are available when they need us, even it it's 3:00 a.m. Things don't always go smoothly but This Too Shall Pass. We have no fears about needing to tuck them in after freshman orientation.

"Babies have needs at night just as they do during the day—to be fed, to be comforted, and to be protected." (p. 152)

4. Practice Positive Discipline

Reading time!

I've written a lot about discipline on this blog, including my ideals and my failures. The primary goal I keep in mind is improving the relationship with my child. No issue is worth damaging the connection you have with your children. In general, we prefer to set examples rather than rules. Recently I came up with own short list of reminders. Still, it's something that I need to consciously think about. Every day.

"The goal of positive discipline is to help your child develop his own conscience and self-discipline. In doing so, we hope to raise cooperative, happy, joyful, and compassionate children who not only care about others but who also do what is right because it is the right think to do, rather than because they are afraid of punishment." (p. 210)

5. Strive for Balance

This is probably (okay, definitely) the principle I struggle with the most. Two things have helped me. First, remembering this is just one season of our parenting career, and things will not always be so hands-on intense when it comes to basic care. (And I will probably miss that someday.) Second, reframing my ideas about recharging so that instead of thinking of it as a reward I think of it as a precursor. I don't wait until everything is "done" so that I feel I "deserve" some quiet, reflective time for me. I take that time every morning before the day even begins to take care of my own needs so that I am better focused on taking care of everyone else.

"Make time to prioritize the family's needs, and don't be afraid to simplify and let unnecessary things go. A spotless house doesn't do any good if the people who live in it are unhappy, out of touch, and out of balance." (pp. 267-268)

In closing I would like to share one of my favorite articles on attachment parenting. It sums up nicely the importance of mindset over any particular "tool" we may associate with AP.

Next up (Monday, 24 October): Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. I already have a feeling this particular rave will take more than one post. This may be the most informative book I've read on parenting to date. (And I read A LOT of parenting books!)

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.