The Friend Thing

Hubby and I took Agent E (along with Agents J and A) to a favorite playground one afternoon last week. Several of her old preschool buddies were there. Ones she hadn't seen in the last few months because of our decision to homeschool. This lead to lots of hugging, giggling, and running about. And a wee bit of Momma Guilt.

E clearly missed her classmates, and had a great time, not surprising given her playground personality. 

Then the doubts started: By not sending her to school, am I unfairly limiting her opportunities to be with her peers? Am I denying her something she should be enjoying? Am I preventing her from developing relationships? What about all the fun she had? She missed her friends.

But, hold on just a minute . . . Do children even need friends?

Last month my book rave discussed the first part of Hold On To Your Kids: Why Parents Need To Matter More Than Peers by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate. A section later in the book, which I will likely muse about in greater detail in the future, talks a lot about friendship and what it means to and for young children. 

Agents enjoying a beautiful Saturday

The very concept of friendship is meaningless when applied to immature people. As adults, we would not consider a person to be a true friend unless he treated us with consideration, acknowledged our boundaries, and respected us as individuals. A true friend supports our development and growth, regardless of how that would affect the relationship. This concept of friendship is based on a solid foundation of mutual respect and individuality. True friendship is not possible, therefore, until a certain level of maturity has been realized and a capacity for social integration has been achieved. Many children are not even remotely capable of such friendships.

Until children are capable of true friendship, they really do not need friends, just attachments. And the only attachments a child needs are with family and those who share responsibility for the child. What a child really needs is to become capable of true friendship, a fruit of maturation that develops only in a viable relationship with a caring adult. Our time is more wisely spent cultivating relationships with the adults in our child's life than obsessing about their relationships with one another. (from Chapter 17, Don't Court the Competition, page 244)

So, do I think my children need friends? In short, no. They need security. They need attachments. They need adults who care about them. Friendships, real friendships, will develop in time. 

That's not to say the Agents (and Momma) don't enjoy a trip to the playground or a play date with someone other than their siblings every once in a while. We certainly enjoy the company of other families who have similar age children.

I simply don't buy into the whole "but children must to spend time with other kids to turn out okay" bit. That if they don't, they won't be . . . wait for it . . . social. (For some witty, well-written words of wisdom on The S Word, click here, here, or here to see what some of my favorite writers have to say. Or click all three; you know you want to.)

I think what my children need right now is to develop a solid foundation of loving Jesus, enjoying learning, and practicing kindness. Everything else can wait. Even friends.

Thanks for reading and have a blessed day.