The Best Part of the Day

Last fall I participated in a women’s Bible study for the first time in several years. (Interestingly, it followed the book Real Moms . . . Real Jesus by Jill Savage. As in, Jill Savage who founded Hearts at Home. As in, Hearts at Home Third Thursday Thoughts, which I now blog with monthly. Just a little right place right time God nudging there.) Anyway, I used to participate frequently, and at one point organized the study at our church, but since my first child became mobile in late 2006/early 2007 for the most part I hadn’t even tried. This particular one, however, was on Tuesdays (a day both Senior Agents attend school) and my littlest Agent still resided in my uterus, so taking him was pretty convenient.

Agent A in early, very portable mode

After Agent A came along, I did finish this one (although I missed about four weeks) and even thought I would start up with a new study in the spring . . . with A happily sitting on my lap. Alas, this did not happen. I missed one. And then another. And then got really behind on the readings. And then started to feel like a loser for showing up without doing the “homework.” And then just gave up.


But I missed it. I wasn’t reading the Bible regularly without the study to motivate me. So, a few months ago, I let go of the idea of making it back to anything formal for a while, and instead I committed to reading the entire Bible, even the Old Part with it’s fire and brimstone and all, one book at a time.

So far, I have read (from the New Testament): Matthew, Mark (well, I’m in the middle of this one right now), John, Romans, and Ephesians; and (from the Old Testament): Esther, Proverbs, and Ecclesiastes.

I highlight as I go. I do this with everything I read. I find that I tend to go way too fast and skim and zone out if I don’t use highlighting as a tool to slow me down. So, all of the books of the Bible I have read so far have bright yellow or pink scattered throughout. All of my favorite parenting books do as well.

I’ve noticed what I end up highlighting depends on what my previous day/week has been like. I don’t just mark the main points, or important-sounding dialogue, or even what I find the most interesting. Sometimes it just strikes me for reasons I can’t explain, so I make note of it. I can definitely tell, though, that what I focus on depends on what is on my mind at that exact moment. Usually I can see a trend, a tendency on any given day to center on a particular aspect.

For example, I apparently had writing on my mind when I highlighted these verses from Proverbs 18:

Verse 4: A person’s words can be life-giving water; words of true wisdom are as refreshing as a bubbling brook. 

Verse 15: Intelligent people are always open to new ideas. In fact, they look for them.

Verse 20: Words satisfy the soul as food satisfies the stomach; the right words on a person’s lips bring satisfaction.

And clearly I was thinking about my children, and my parenting, the morning I read Proverbs 27:

Verse 11: My child, how happy I will be if you turn out to be wise! Then I will be able to answer my critics.

Verse 19: As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the person.

Verse 23: Know the state of your flocks, and put your heart into caring for your herds.

I love to make this the first part of my day, because I find that the rest of the day falls into place once I devote even just five or ten minutes of reading in the morning as soon as I wake up. I admit that for a while I actually had to put my Bible on top of my computer at night so that I would grab it first instead of aimlessly popping online. But now, it’s truly what I think of first, and my oldest (Agent E) has started asking to read from her children’s Bible daily as well. Sometimes I read a chapter a day, some days just a few paragraphs, but, I almost never miss a day entirely.

Lesson learned: Starting the day with God = Better day overall

Falling

Before I became a Momma, I had a lot of really good ideas about parenting, mostly things I would definitely not do. Regular readers (all three of you :-P) know I have expressed my affection for attachment parenting with posts on breastfeeding and positive discipline. I’ve shared a bit of my parenting philosophy and acknowledged that sometimes our season isn’t exactly enchanting. I’ve also come clean about where I fall on the natural parenting spectrum.

To summarize, I’m a quasi-crunchy, err on the side of gentle, slightly sarcastic, AP-loving kind of gal.

This by no means implies that I live each and every day with rose-colored optimism and saintly patience. On the contrary, I have days (weeks?) when being a responsible adult pretty much blows. But, having some “guidelines” helps me to focus on the end result: content, well-adjusted children who are kind to others and will make a difference.

I don’t always get it right. Many days, I don’t even come close to responding sensitively or positively, and balance kind of goes right out the window.

The truth is . . . sometimes I totally fall off the AP wagon. 

Like last weekend in the grocery store, when I started flipping out because J was being, well, three. I believe a can of tomatoes was slammed on a shelf . . . by me.

Or Tuesday at the doctor’s with E, when I had zero patience for her “I refuse to do anything you want me to” attitude.

Or yesterday afternoon, when I plopped J on the couch (not very nicely) and mumbled something about time out, which we don’t even use, and walked away . . . after I had (also not very nicely) grabbed something out of her hand that she wasn’t supposed to have.

Balance . . . well, let’s just save that for another post.

It used to be when I would witness parents being totally exasperated with their children, I would think: There’s a better way! I will control myself! I will be the adult! MY children won’t act that way anyway, so it’s really a moot point. 

Now I just hope I don’t sound as bad as they do.

So, what’s a Momma to do? Well, sometimes it helps to have different scenarios role-played in my head. I love the Ask the Doctor section of Laura Markham’s website. Go ahead . . . click on it, choose your child’s age, and read away. You will see yourself in many of these parents’ questions. And then, if you’re like me, you’ll think “Oh, yeah, that’s what I could have done instead.” I also really enjoy the discipline index at askdrsears.com. 

It supposedly takes 21 days to make something a habit. (Random factoid: This revelation is attributed to Maxwell Maltz.) So, when I start to slip into reactive mode, I stop and think: Is this what I want to be doing 21 days from now? Two years from now? When my kids are teenagers? Um, no. 

I know the kind of parent I want to be. I strive for it daily and often succeed, unless of course I fail. And that’s okay. Better to have high expectations and fall short sometimes, than to have low expectations and meet them every time. I’m sure someone else has said that before and I’m not giving proper credit, but I don’t feel like Googling right now.

I’ll close with one of my favorite quotes on parenting.

The bottom line is that raising kids is not for wimps. My wife says it’s a test of your capacity to deal with disorder and unpredictability—a test you can’t study for, and one whose results aren’t always reassuring. Forget “rocket science” or “brain surgery”: When we want to make the point that something isn’t really all that difficult, we ought to say, “Hey, it’s not parenting.”—Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting

Book Rave (2): The Successful Child

As promised, I’m continuing my series of parenting book raves on the fourth Monday of every month. (Click here to see April’s.) Over the last few weeks I re-read The Successful Child: What Parents Can Do to Help Kids Turn Out Well by William and Martha Sears (with Elizabeth Pantley). It’s 265 pages spread out over 16 chapters, so a lot to digest for a blog post, but I’ll try. 

Every parent wishes for his/her children to grow into successful adults. But what does that look like? The authors consider: What really matters? What does it mean to “give your children the tools to succeed in life” (p. 1)? (Interestingly, Sears uses this exact same wording to define discipline.) They begin by defining “success” and outlining qualities of successful people as well as tools for success. The first half of the book discusses building these tools; the second half details specific ways of nurturing them to develop the qualities you wish to see.

Following is a brief glimpse at what I garnered from this book to be 5 key components of a successful life. As before, I paraphrased quite a bit, and I also included a few of my favorite quotes from the text along the way.

Success is . . .

 . . . maintaining secure, healthy relationships.

Not surprisingly, a primary focus of this book is on developing interdependence, and the themes throughout return again and again to attachment parenting and raising children who are connected . . . to their parents, to each other, to the world. They devote an entire chapter (one this Momma of Three read with great interest) to sibling relationships (“boot camp” for getting along with others). They advocate encouraging siblings to cooperate in various roles, including protector, helper, teacher, comforter, and co-worker.

“The relationship you have with your child is the foundation on which all of his other relationships will be built.” 

(from chapter 2, Raising Connected Kids, page 9)

“Your elder children will one day model their parenting on the way they saw you care for their siblings.” 

(from chapter 5, Planting Healthy Sibling Relationships, page 83)

. . . communicating effectively with others.

The way parents communicate with their children matters from the very beginning . . . both how they speak to/with them (demonstrate respect to get respect) and how they speak about them (frame your child positively). The Golden Rule of Communicating: Speak to your children the way you would like to hear them speak to others.

“What messages do you reflect to your child? Are they predominantly positive or negative?” 

(from chapter 12, Eleven Ways to Boost Your Child’s Self-Confidence, page 211)

“The fine points of politeness are best learned from parental example—not parental lectures.” 

(from chapter 9, Teaching Children Communication Skills, page 157)

 . . . accepting responsibility for one’s actions.

Responsibility means not only being accountable for your own actions, but also learning to do the right thing because it is the right thing not because of fear of an outside force. They feel strongly that one way to encourage this is to give children chores (without monetary compensation), as this instills in children the importance of contributing to the family unit and their environment.

“Parents should not take all the credit or all the blame for the person their child becomes.” 

(from chapter 1, What’s Success?, page 4)

“The ultimate goal of all the effort we put into parenting is to enable our children to live without us.” 

(from chapter 10, Raising a Responsible Child, page 171)

 . . . making intelligent, moral choices.

Learning to make wise choices greatly influences one’s overall character. A concept the authors use here, which they also discuss in The Discipline Book, is the idea of selectively ignoring “smallies” so you can concentrate on “biggies.” The more practice children have in making small, everyday decisions, even poor ones (e.g., refusing to wear a jacket on a cold day) the more likely they will grow in their ability to make increasingly important decisions. Respect your child’s choices from the very beginning; even infants can can show preferences.

Another concept that I love is teaching kids age-appropriate ways to “think through what they’re about to do” . . . learning to think first and act second. At the toddler/preschooler level this may be more “conditioning” them to act a certain way, as complex moral judgments are beyond that developmental level. Older children and teens will benefit from viewing parental moral thinking in action (e.g., when given too much change at the register, do you speak up? or pocket it?) as well as learning techniques to problem solve (e.g., writing out the pros and cons of a major decision).

“No matter how consistent and effective a parent you think you are, your child is separate from you. In the end, he will make his own decisions.” 

(from chapter 8, The Ability to Make Wise Choices, page 148)

“Doing what is right because it is right is the hallmark of a moral person.” 

(from chapter 11, Raising a Moral Child, page 188)

 . . . becoming a kind and compassionate person.

Another overall theme throughout the book is teaching children empathy . . . which they have referred to as “getting behind another’s eyes” . . . and they believe this begins at birth. Children can only learn kindness and manners (politeness and respect) if this is what they witness at home. How do your children see you treating your spouse, your neighbors, your pets? Do you primarily show compassion, giving others the benefit of the doubt? Do you explain the “why” behind good manners, or simply demand the right words (please, thank you, I’m sorry) be said?

“Children who are on the receiving end of sensitive parenting become sensitive themselves.” 

(from chapter 7, The Compassionate Child, page 117)

“Manners are a skill to be enjoyed, not forced.” 

(from chapter 14, Kindness and Manners, page 239)

Note: I will not be posting a new book rave on the last Monday in June because I’ll be on vacation (our first cruise!). Next up (25 July): What Mothers Do by Naomi Stadlen.

What’s on the Menu?

One of my resolutions for 2011 is (was) to create a rotating meal plan to simplify shopping and cooking. Um, yes . . . it’s May and this still has not happened. (We won’t mention how I’m doing on those other resolutions . . .)

I would love to be One of Those People Who Have Dinners Planned in Advance, but I’m not. Most days I struggle with what to do when 5:00 rolls around, and I count myself lucky that if nothing else my girls will eat carrots for dinner every day and never complain. (Yes; really.)

So, this is my official Go To Meal When I Don’t Have a Clue What Else To Make . . . and yes; I had to seriously think about it to write everything down.

Breakfast is yummy

Beef and Bean Casserole

(I should start by clarifying this misnomer . . . it’s not a casserole per se but more of a “pot” dish, like chili.)

Start by browning about a pound, maybe a pound and a quarter, of ground beef (or ground turkey). While you work on that, since I *know* you must multitask, grab a big pot and start putting everything else together. 

The “everything else” would be . . .

1 large can of baked beans (28 ounces; yes . . . I checked)

2 small cans of Some Other Kind of Beans, drained (I use one red kidney bean, dark or light) and one whitish bean, like a navy or a pinto.)

1 teaspoon of ground mustard

1 tablespoon of minced onion

a pinch of salt

3 tablespoon of ketchup (Really, don’t measure this part . . . 3 squeezes from the bottle ought to do.)

3 tablespoons of brown sugar (dark or light)

1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar

Add the cooked meat to the pot, pop the pot on the burner, and simmer (covered) for about 10 minutes, stirring occasionally. 

Done!

Because It’s Monday

A while back I made a plan to post to this blog every Monday and Thursday for the rest of 2011. Twice a week may not seem like a lot, but when I’m gathering bits of time to write in between Agent duty or early in the morning before anyone gets out of bed, it doesn’t give me much time to post more. 

(Side note: My last post, probably my favorite post ever, has a Saturday date because Blogger flipped out and DELETED it with no warning . . . apparently from what I’ve heard from some other bloggers this also happened to them . . . some sort of system thing. Yikes. I discovered it was missing and reposted it from my drafts file on Saturday morning. And the comments disappeared. Grrr.)

Anyway, I like to prepare posts ahead of time . . . I enjoy writing drafts, even bad ones, and then going back to them, and polishing them up, and making it what I consider “good” writing . . . not just babbled journal-like thoughts. I am not doing that today. This is more of a what you see is what you get kind of post . . . the weekend completely got away from me and even though I have, at any given time, four or five drafts started, I could not manage to figure out exactly what I wanted to *do* with any of them.

One of my “drafts” awaiting a look is about keeping up with resolutions (Thursday’s post will address #4). But for now I’ll just ask: Do you have a “plan” for writing, or maybe reading, or exercising, or whatever your fancy . . . and how often do you deviate? What’s your most likely derail-er of good intentions? The kids? Sleeping in? Working late? Simply not prioritizing Me Time because everyone else needs you “more”? 

I tend to get my best “me” time in early in the mornings, before the Agents wake up. Sometimes this means getting out of bed between four and five a.m. (Agent A usually gets up to nurse around this time, so if I can’t fall back to sleep I just get out of bed. Early, yes, but better than staring at the ceiling.)

More Musings on Life in Italy

Whenever someone learns we live in Italy, I can pretty much anticipate their reaction:

Oh, wow . . . Italy! You are sooooo lucky! 

Well, I do spend my days sunbathing and sipping red wine while sitting on the balcony of my spacious villa, atop the highest hill in the land. My personal chef prepares my food and each meal ends with tiramisu. And my Italian language skills rock. These past 14 months have been like one continuous vacation for me. I have no responsibilities, my husband quit his job, and we enjoy our time basking in the delight of our perfectly behaved children.

Nice view, eh?

Um, not really. 

I’ve posted previously (twice) about living in Italy; if you are so inclined you can read those entries here:

Some Musings on Life in Italy at Our Halfway Point (Since I posted this our time here has been “extended” so it wasn’t really written at our halfway point after all . . .)

Driving Miss Momma (Not specifically about Italy per se, but it does get a mention or two . . .)

Now for the reality check: Living in Italy is not exotic. at. all. It’s remarkably mundane and normal . . . except without Starbucks, Target, and Really Good Chinese Food.

On Where We Live

We live on a military base north of Naples. It’s like any little United States town, but with an overabundance of apartment buildings. The hospital, commissary, exchange, elementary and high schools, child care, and just about any other “service” you can think of is right on base. There’s also a lot of green space, tennis courts, soccer fields, and a playground about every 20 feet (give or take) . . . very pedestrian and stroller friendly. Our current home is about two-thirds the size of our house in the states. While most of the apartments look the same from the outside (more or less) once you visit a few you quickly realize the builders designed all of them just a wee bit different. Why? No idea, except the following adage may explain it . . .

The Southern Italian Way:

Whatever would make the least sense possible in any other part of the world.

On Learning Italian

For someone who has lived in Italy for over a year, my Italian pretty much sucks. Before we moved I was all about learning to speak the language. I had books, CDs, and a ginormous Italian–English dictionary. I did manage to learn the basics: 

• hello/goodbye, please/thank you, excuse me, and other basic pleasantries; 
• counting, colors, days of the week, months; 
• saying where we live, my husband is here for work, and talking about how many kids I have and their names/genders/ages; 
• how to order in a cafe/restaurant and how to ask for directions (although I can’t always understand the response, so I’m not convinced this is useful); and 
• (Most Importantly) how to say “I speak a little Italian, but not very well. Do you speak English? I’m sorry; I don’t understand.” 

I should note that I can only pull off even this much Italian if the person I’m speaking with enunciates very clearly and slowly, a hard to find combo in your average Italian speaker. In general I can ask questions in Italian, and if someone asks me a question in English, I can answer in Italian; however, back-and-forth conversation makes me woozy. But here’s the kicker: I only very occasionally need it at all. Usually I attempt a pathetic mumbling and then the person takes pity on me and either starts speaking English or just gestures with their hands until we are “communicating” Italian style.

Traveling in Italy without knowing Italian (or any part of Europe without knowing the primary language of the country) is pretty much a non-issue; major hotels, restaurants, tourist attractions, etc. *always* have someone who speaks decent English or can at least muddle through a conversation with you.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not one of those snobby American travelers who expects the whole world to talk to me in English . . . what I am saying is that most everyone *does* know some English and they are happy to use it. (Likely so they do not have to hear me mangle their native tongue.) Still, we enjoy making a meager effort. Before our trip to France, hubby brushed up on his French, and even used it a bit. In advance of our trip to Barcelona, I got a copy of a Spanish phrase book so I could at least say a little more than what I’ve picked up from Dora, Diego, and Handy Manny.

Me and the Senior Agents in Rome.

On Day-to-Day Living

My husband is a naval officer. Normally this involves him going out to sea for days, weeks, or months at a time, but this is our “break” from that. This is “shore duty” for us, meaning he’s not attached to a ship and doesn’t deploy. But he does work . . . Monday through Friday and some weekends. During the week hubby typically leaves around 6:30 a.m. and returns at 5:30 or 6:30 p.m. (Although he gets all the American holidays AND the Italian holidays off . . . a nice little perk.) But, alas, even here someone has to earn money and pay the bills. (Better him than me.) There’s this little gaggle of folks called NATO. You may have heard of them. They appreciate when he shows up to help out.

As far as me and the Agents . . . the Senior Agents go to an American preschool one exit down from the base; E goes every day and J goes twice a week. They have all their lessons in English, but spend 30–60 minutes on Italian (through songs, dancing, playtime) each day. My littlest Agent and I enjoy our quiet time on Tuesdays and Thursdays (the two days a week both girls attend school together). Mostly we do all the same stay-at-home Mommy stuff that we did before. Sometimes on Saturdays we’ll take a quick day trip, but otherwise we do usual weekend stuff: sleep in, eat waffles, get things done around the house, play outside, and maybe hit the mall and get lunch.

On the Biggest Misconception

Before I moved here, I people told me over and over again how fond the Italian people are of little ones. Italians love children! And they do . . . sort of. They love to look at them, make funny faces at them, and sweet talk them in Italian. Oh, they enjoy squeezing cheeks and proclaiming “Bella!” or “Bello!” but in reality most ascribe to the “children should be seen and not heard” mentality. (Don’t get me going.)

And in spite of the hype, Italy is not all that kid-friendly (in my opinion). For starters, apparently Italians don’t pee. Or take newly potty-learning children out in public. Or change diapers. If you can find a bathroom within five kilometers that doesn’t scare the bejesus out of you AND has a toilet seat AND toilet paper AND you didn’t have to pay to use it, consider yourself lucky. And forget finding a changing table . . . unless of course you shop at one of the “new” American-style malls or IKEA. (Yes; we have IKEA. We’re not savages, for goodness sakes.)

It is also entertaining to watch Italians gawk at the double stroller . . . especially when I only have one kid in it. They also seem to dig when I dress the girls alike. Our party of five is quite the novelty. (Contrary to what I previously believed, Italians tend to have just one child. That’s a lot of Catholics using birth control.)

On Eating

Italian Food = Yummy; no denying that. However, going out for Italian food, not quite so simple.

Eating out at restaurants does not work out so well for us, primarily because Italians, like most Europeans, tend to eat dinner very late (8:00-ish) and take forever to complete a meal. I don’t know about you, but going out to eat with three kids (five and under) at 7:30–8:00 in the evening and having the meal last 2 or 3 hours doesn’t not spell F-U-N in my book.

But . . . take-out, brick-oven margherita pizza rocks. (Even though we are always the first ones there when they open for dinner and need to wait for them to reinvent fire.)

The whole gang in Siena.

On Travel Opportunities

By far, the BEST part of being stationed in Europe is the chance to travel and see so many great things that we’ve only read about or seen pictures of. (I plan to document our travels to date with a separate post, including photos, coming soon. Really. It’s on my to do list, I swear.) So far, we have traveled inside Italy to Rome, Caserta, Bologna, Pompeii, Siena, Florence, and Pisa. Outside of Italy we have visited Germany and France, and we’ll be heading to Spain next month. London is on our “must see” list for later this year. Bonus: Getting to visit all these places with relatively cheap flights (and no jet lag) or simply by driving.

I could write a lot more, and perhaps I will someday soon, but this is already my longest blog post ever so I’ll stop here. Sorry to have ruined your fantasy. Please forgive me. As I commented to a fellow blogger recently: southern Italy . . . not so glamourous. But we do have excellent pizza. And the mafia.